My fencepost

We throw tantrums when we don't get our way. We cry out to God, we withhold ourselves...as if He didn't have access to every single thought, memory or emotion. We give Him the silent treatment.

The last month I've sat on the fencepost, neither committing myself to one backyard or another. I sat and contemplated what God's perfect will would look like for me, and what actions would be most honoring to Him. BUT, in all honesty, I didn't think about honoring Him as much as I simply closed myself off to Him and everyone else that had a chance at getting close to me. Really, I just wanted to vegetate and WILL the perfect outcome into being. It doesn't work that way.

I haven't sent an email to Mars Hill because I am afraid that an email will make the "not right now" so final and so permanent. Even as I decided to apply to non-profit jobs (what I'd really like to pour my time and effort into), I haven't applied to more than 3. What's the deal? I don't want to close the door on Seattle, but I'm not exactly moving swiftly forward either. What is the problem?

Moments of Silence

It's easy to trust Him when everything around you is perfect and all is smooth sailing...but what about when your world is at a complete standstill and your hope is crushed? What do you do when despair and sadness clog your throat and you can barely breathe past the hurt? It is then that I return to the moment when I heard God speak...when I knew He was leading and guiding me. What did He say back in April? Be still, be silent and be reverent.

It's been a week -- an interminably long week -- since I heard from Sovereign that they had decided to hire someone who had more back-office experience. They wanted someone who preferred to interface more with a computer and numbers than with people. Yes, I cognitively realize that I would have been miserable in that job, but I feel wrecked. The DTP is rolling on without me...and here I am...an awful job situation, an unpleasant living situation, with everything at it's usual humdrum Bay Area pace.

On Sunday, Pastor Meekins preached about Jesus and the calling of the disciples. In the story, Jesus arrives on the banks as the fisherme are coming back in from a long night with no luck. Jesus advises them to go back out and cast their nets on the other side. These men were fishermen, they'd been out all night, they were exhausted. But more than that, they knew what they were doing, they'd done it hundreds of times before. I'm sure that they cognitively realized that they had done everything that they could do and still had come back empty-handed. Jesus tells them to go out again and do the preposterously simple thing, throw their nets on the other side. He is asking me to do the same thing after I have come back from a "long night" of casting out my nets with nothing to show.

The worst part of this process has been the questions that keep coming up in me. The questions that I have never allowed myself to ask or to explore: the questions that require me to know myself and the fears that lurk deep within. The crux, "Is this all that You have for me?" I am not a person that cries, but I have cried over that question...and I HATE that I have even thought it and yes, continue to think it even now. I know that He is good...that His perfect will brings shalom into our lives. My mind knows it, even though my heart is crushed. But, there are days when He does not speak to me, when it is silent. No matter where He takes me, there will always be times of silence.

I was sure by now

That You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day

But once again I say "Amen," and it's raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry

You raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

No matter where I am, You are who You are. I will testify to His grace and His loving kindness all the days of my life! That I would not be like a recalcitrant child when things do not go my way: trusting Him in the face of adversity, when things look dim, and when your present circumstances are ensnaring...that's when having faith is the hardest! I will put my trust in Him.

Faith Like Potatoes

I have not posted anything for a while -- this lack of communication reflects what has been going on in my life for the past few weeks. I could say that I have been busy and that I have been stressds (which is true), but the unhappy truth is that I took my eyes off of the reason for my everything. Jesus ceased to be the person that I was living my life for. No, it's not that I rejected Him and chose another god...it's simply that I stopped acknowledging Him in all my ways. Needless to say, it's been a difficult few weeks.

Honestly, I do not want to go to Seattle if I am forcing it and God has provision for me elsewhere. Neither do I want to lay down and give up if He has asked me to stand and fight. This is one of the most uncomfortable places I've ever been. At the end of the day, though, I just want to be with my Savior. He's so beautiful. I cry when I think about how He changes lives -- makes them flourish and grow. Hard rocky ground and hearts of stone...He is the One that brings life. Not me. Not my words. Not my efforts. It is Him.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it. Unless the Lord guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain." ~Psalm 127:1

This verse is really a motto for me. Unless the Lord is involved and the foreman in charge of the job, there is no point on my being on the work detail. Whether it's a romantic relationship, a family issue, a hierarchy issue at work, etc., if the Lord is not in it, I surely do not want to be. My prayer for God's people and for myself is that we would allow Him to build our houses (everything pertaining to our lives) instead of trying to build them ourselves. Imagine how differently we would act, or how different things would be. Peace would abound. We would see miracles, we would be a part of miracles -- all the time! Tell me, why is it that so many Christians think I'm crazy when I say that it's time to raise people from the dead? When they think I'm speaking allegorically, they're fine with it. When they realize I mean it literally, they laugh at me and label me a radical. Well, maybe I am a radical! Jesus certainly was...and I want to walk in His footsteps.

It's been a tough few weeks, and I am weary. My patience has been thin. My faith has been shaky. God's grace has covered me. Thank you for mercy!

Blessings, big and small

I've been thanking God for my weekend in Seattle. He gave me such rest and allowed me to sit back, enjoy myself and focus on other people instead of myself and the circumstances I'm met with everyday. Relaxation is next to impossible for me -- how are you supposed to relax your muscles? It's too hard. =) Everyone tells me to concentrate on relaxing, doesn't that defeat the purpose? Erin and Jordan spent quite a bit of time with me and I'm thrilled at the prospect of being in the DTP with both of them! They're such a great couple and I love hearing their fresh perspectives on things -- often so different from one another. God is already providing people to spend time with and others to pour into. He astonishes me!

The interview went alright. I did not have a feeling one way or another whether I'm the type of employee they are looking for. What stuck out in my mind is that they want someone who is all in, not looking for something to fill a void or provide a paycheck. Though I do not know if I can offer life-long commitment to them, I know that I want to be the kind of person that is always "all in." If I'm going to do something, I want to do it right and I want to carry it out to its completion.

Mars Hill is wonderful. I did not get to meet the DTP, except for one or two of the leaders.

Now I wait. I mentioned to Erin that I do not know what I will do if I hear from the company that they are looking for someone else. How will I cope with the disappointment and the setback? I pray that I won't face disappointment in this arena. I thank God for his blessings, big and small!

Weekend

I am flying up to Seattle on Saturday and Sunday for an interview with the Financial Planning company mentioned in my most recent previous posts. My phone interview on Thursday went very well, and they emailed me to say that they think it is important that they meet all the candidates in person. They offered to pay some of the cost of my ticket! This whole process has been quite costly, and I try not to lose my trust in God when I think about my credit cards and the steadily raising amount of dollars I am putting on there!

I will meet with the DTP, but the interview itself is on Sunday after church...so I won't have as much time with the Discipleship group as I would have liked. I'm taking deep breaths. God has me in the palm of His hand. He knows what He is doing, and the end result will be beautiful!

Land of the Brave

Fear isn't one loud voice...it is often a thousand small voices, whispering words of doubt and confusion. People say that I am brave, and maybe I am, but I don't often feel brave. No one hears the words I have to say to myself sometimes when I enter a crowded party, looking for friendly faces. They are not there when I give in to selfishness and insecurity and refuse to do something extremely uncomfortable but that would bless someone else. People think bravery has to do with the epic, glaringly obvious exploits. If you save someone from a burning building at the risk of your own life, you are brave. Agreed, that is brave! If you move your entire life to a foreign country to preach the Gospel of Christ where the Gospel is met with hostility and hatred, that person is definitely brave and acting (hopefully) under the direction of the Lord. Bravery means something a little different to me. Dictionary.com defines bravery as: intrepidity, fearlessness, boldness, daring, prowess, heroism, pluck, spirit, audacity, nerve, mettle, spunk. Perhaps that all holds true.

I had the privilege of attending a Christian University in Oklahoma for two years before earning my BA and moving back to California. During those two years, without fail, twice a week we attended a chapel service where the entire gamut of preachers, teachers and Christian role models would speak to the students for an hour. At the time I thought it was cool, but as students we tended to belabor the point that many of the preachers touched on subjects we felt were not beneficial. One particular Wednesday, a favorite, Bill Wilson spoke to a hushed chapel full of students. Though I cannot remember his entire message, I remember his admonishment to us. There is darkness everywhere we look. He himself was shot several times in his hometown of New York and lives to speak of it. Evil runs rampant all around us. We are tempted to throw down our hands and cry out and curse the darkness. That is what many of us do...I hear Christians daily condemn the world and its state of affairs. We curse the society that applauds fornication, materialism and does not bat an eyelash at perversion. But Bill said that we have a choice, we can choose to curse the darkness or we can choose to light a candle and shine light on the darkness.

Bravery. We are all brave when we choose to look at the darkness all around and shine Christ's light. Talking about it is NOT the same as doing it. When we pray for God's kingdom here on earth, we are asking for the light to dispel the darkness! Each time we share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with a person, we are bringing light to a darkened soul. I want to be brave at all times, not caught up in personal struggles like fear of failure or abandonment. God will never leave us nor forsake us. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. I need not fear failure nor abandonment! I will curse the darkness in my own soul and light a candle, burning ever brighter and yet brighter still!

Pure Joy

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." James 1: 2-4 Message

Excitement is hitting me. Trepidation is there at all times...that lingering feeling in my stomach that I'm moving away from all that is familiar and that I will feel very alone and small in the world. There is sadness mingling with all of the other emotions. BUT, do I have joy? Happiness is temporal, fleeting. Here for one moment and gone for even longer. Joy is an evasive, wellspring of peace and hope. There is no other word for joy but joy!

I often recall James 1:2. The Message captures it in a wonderful way, but in paraphrase, I think of it as "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials and temptations of many kinds." Joy is usually the last thing I'm feeling or thinking about. Wouldn't it be nice for us to say that the rough things that happen to us in life draw us closer to God instead of causing us to take our eyes off of Jesus? I want the choices I make today and the grace that seasons my life to help others right now. The difficulties, the lonely times, the hardships...I want them to mean something! God's story for me is one that will help others on their faith journey. There's something up ahead in the road, I can almost make it out...

Sovereign

The title of my post has a two-fold meaning. When I look up the word Sovereign in the dictionary, the noun refers to a King, a ruler or a supreme authority. In the adjective sense, sovereign means having supreme rank or authority, preeminent, indisputable, greatest in degree, and refers to that which is above all others in character, importance and excellence. Have you ever heard it said that God is sovereign? I have. It got me thinking.

If He is preeminent, that means that He is above and before all others. He should be this in my life. It also means that if He is indisputable, His Word holds firm and will always be true, unquestionable, reliable, stable and certain. Some things are not written in the Bible, like who I will marry, whether or not I have children, if I sing before millions and lead people to Christ...BUT the things that are written in the Bible, that He guides and directs my path, that He perfects that which concerns me...those are indisputable truths. WOW. If God is the supreme authority, that means that everything else, everything, is under Him and His reign.

This past week I spent a lot of time in silence, praying and thinking. I asked myself, "what will I do if He doesn't provide anything in Seattle? Will you just give up? Won't people think you did not trust Him enough?" I know that these are my fears and my insecurities talking. I will follow Him where His light is dim, His voice is heard small, where His healing power is not known, even to the uttermost bounds of the earth (ORU's creed). That may or may not include Seattle. BUT I will work towards that goal, and if I do not see it come to fruition, I will follow Him wherever, with all the strength that He has given me.

On Monday I got a phone call from a company in Bellevue, Washington that was very interested in me for a Financial Associate position. We had a long phone interview that ended with them telling me that I was very qualified and had the background they are looking for. This afternoon I received an email that they want to continue talking to me and they want to do another phone interview this week with the entire office. The company's name (part of it anyway) is Sovereign. Do I think this is a coincidence? Not at all.

Seattle Update

I did not get the job that I interviewed for in Seattle. Within 15 minutes of each other, both of the jobs that were looking the most promising turned me down. While some are saying that I'm supposed to stay in the Bay Area because there is work for me here, others are saying to stay faithful and keep doing what I've been doing.

I will keep working, keep trusting, and keep moving towards the mark. By no means does this mean that I am going to be ineffectual in the Bay Area. My prayer is that the Lord use me even as I work towards this huge transition. The Bible says, "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." (Proverbs 16:9). I'm holding onto that.

We Speak to Nations

I'm so fired up right now! Thank you, Lord, for disciples, world missions, and men and women of God that have understood Your Word and Your promises!

Hear the sound
The sound of the nations calling
Hear the sound
The sound of the fathers crying
Who will go for us
Who will shout to the corners
Of the earth
That Christ is King

We speak to nations
Be open
We speak to nations
Fall on your knees
We speak to nations
The kingdom is coming near to you
Oh we speak to strongholds
Be broken
Power of darkness
You have to flee
We speak to nations
The kingdom is coming near to you
We speak to you
Be free be free

Hear the sound
The sound of the nations worshipping
Hear the sound
Of sons and daughters singing
We will go for you
We will shout to the corners of the earth
That Christ is King

Israel Houghton's song keeps echoing in my head. We truly speak to nations. God will open doors that no man can shut. We will speak before Kings and great tributaries. He shall be our counsel and He shall give us favor before all men. We will be persecuted, yes, but we will also have access into the most secret places in the earth and to the most distinguished people. Already He is doing this...do we perceive it?

Lord, that I would be a disciple! Take from me all desire for personal gain and glory. I desire to do Your will and love You!

Apples, peaches, pumpkin pie

Still waiting and trusting the Lord. I haven't heard anything from Seattle so far.

The week is still young and yet so much has already happened to bring my focus right off of God and back onto myself or others in a less than effective or positive light. Instead of responding in negative ways or grumbling which many may say I would be entitled to do, I am going to ask a series of questions.

What does my life look like when it is lived for Jesus? My life is NOT my own, as much as I want to claim it for myself and do with it as I please. Every time I want to rage and act selfishly, my thoughts return to what Jesus had to pay for the world. He laid down his life, His every right. He calls us daily to pick up our cross and to follow Him. What is our cross? The cross signifies death. It is both our literal and figurative death.

What are my fruits? May fruit abound! The fruits of the Spirit are righteousness, peace, joy, kindness, patience, self-control, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and love. These are the fruits that others should see in my person and character. Someone has brought it to my attention that they are having a hard time seeing my fruit. Others are able to see it. Now, why might that be? As Christians, we cannot be choosy about who we are kind to, and who we show love to. Jesus cared for the Pharisee, the tax collector and the prostitute alike. The Bible clearly says that as believers, we are the light of the world, like a city on a hilltop that cannot be easily hidden. Our fruit will follow us, and our good deeds will show us for what we are. Christ-followers. I am not too worried about the accusations brought before me. Our fruit will show us for what kind of trees we are.

Seattle Swiftly

The past few days have been a whirlwind for me! The interview on Wednesday morning went very well. Amy was easy to talk to and I felt very positive about the whole thing. My recruiter called two hours after the interview to inform me that they want to move me along in the process and wanted to have an in-person interview with me this past Friday. I asked if we could do the interview on Monday (tickets were cheaper) instead, but it had to be Friday. Quickly, I agreed, purchased the cheapest tickets I could find, arranged to rent a car from the airport and began researching different apartments.

With no sleep on Thursday night (except an hour), I woke up at 4 in the morning with a raging cold and an upset stomach. The flight to Seattle was unremarkable. What blessed me the most was the complete and utter feeling of peace I had the entire time. There was not even a hint of apprehension or nervousness as I prepared for the interview. In fact, I had to set an alarm for myself before the interview because I kept falling asleep!

Amy and Julienne were very unassuming interviewers, wonderful at making one comfortable and asking great questions. Thankfully, the whole interview felt more like a conversation with lots of smiling and laughing. My recruiter had forgotten to inform them that I live in California...which shocked them a little. I pointedly asked them if that was a problem, and they did not think it was. They expressed regret that they had not known, or they would have done the interview by telephone. Sigh. That was okay, though. At least I showed ambition and intent by flying all the way out there for the interview.

On another positive note, I may have found an apartment in West Seattle. It's a decent-sized one-bedroom close to the church in West Seattle (handicap accessible -- go figure, complete with handles in the bathroom, LOL!), that is offering an almost non-existent security deposit (Praise Him!). Several apartments were possible for me. The owner of one duplex in particular was a blessing to me. Barbie is from Antioch Bible Church -- the church that planted Mars Hill! She was so thrilled that I was a Christian and moving to Seattle to be a part of Mars Hill that she offered me the bottom unit of the duplex for the entire month of September free! My plan is not to move until October, anyway, but that way I would not have to worry about retaining a popular rental with extra money that I do not have. The apartment, though lovely, was a little farther from the church than I cared for, and also felt a tinge on the small side. I have been toying with the idea of living with roommates, and am still somewhat undecided on the matter. On one hand, I would have a constant supply of companions should I choose to live in community. On the other hand, this would force me to step out and really REACH out to those around me (out of necessity!). The lease would be approximately 6 months, so I could reassess at the end of the term and figure out if I want to move, get a roommate, etc.

This week they will call me to let me know about the job!

Devotional Prayer

Heavy. My heart and my mind were heavy this entire week. Earlier this summer, I began to document things in my notebook of what I saw to come. For instance, I knew that the Senior Pastor at my church was going to resign approximately 2 months before he announced it to the church. No one told me, it was something I was simply aware of. The purpose behind this kind of knowledge is often to encourage, but it is also there so that I may pray and intercede.

My heart and mind have been heavy this week. I am seeking the Lord's direction in my life and I am turning my feet swiftly towards His path for me. Many have been on the outside looking in and have thought that my actions are questionable, and that the choices I have made and continue to make are of a different "spirit." Prayerfully I have considered their words, and thrown the bad out and kept the good. Their understanding has been limited, especially since they have not stopped to ask me any questions. Their hearts have been well-meaning, just as Job's friends loved him and meant him well. In Job's case, his friends suffered from a lack of knowledge and understanding. I have searched for a home church for nearly 3 years. I had no desire to church hop, but I could not find what I was searching for. I became so disheartened and even a little rebellious. The churches I was attracted to were always unreasonably far away, and they made little sense to commit to. After my trip up to Seattle in April, I returned to Harvest Valley in Pleasanton (it was the first church I had started my church search with) and I have been there ever since.

Many changes are coming to HVCC, some that are necessary and others that unsettle me. As a response to Pastor's sermon this morning, we were asked to have a short time of devotional prayer before being dismissed. As I knelt before my chair, I quietly prayed and sought the Lord. I do not understand why path has been like it is. The choices set before me are difficult ones. The knowledge has often been difficult, especially in this case. During the past 20 years of my church life, I have personally seen more than 8 pastors resign and leave their posts. Approximately 6 of these pastors have left in the past 4 years. I have cried out to the Lord, angry and disheartened, why do these Pastors always leave? Is it impossible for the Shepherds to stay with their sheep? This has caused some amount of distrust in my life...a disinterest in coming under the authority of a pastor -- a fear that they will abandon me. Why should I invest and share my life with the Pastor, allow him to shepherd me, if he is just going to turn around in a few months and leave his post? These thoughts were going around in my mind as I prayed during the service. Everywhere I go, something happens. Two words popped into my mind as I prayed. Change Agent.

Change Agent. I have a general understanding of those words, but couldn't imagine why the Lord was sharing them with me during our devotional prayer time.

I turned to the Internet and began reading an interesting article by Dennis Stevenson. He describes a change agent as a person who alters human capability or organizational systems to achieve a higher degree of output or self actualization. "Beginning with the end in mind, the goal of a change agent is obviously to make changes that stick. The result of change agent activity is to enable people to do more, or find a new and better perspective on life. Sometimes this latter idea is the foundation for future change which achieves outcomes that were previously not attainable." Interesting.

In reading that, I understand that the Lord desires all of us to agents of change in our cultures, in our homes, in our schools, and even in our churches. Stevenson goes on to describe how he believes it feels to be a change agent.

A change agent lives in the future and not in the present. It is not so much that an individual must live completely in the future, it is more that they must constantly be looking to the future. The goal is to bring changes and improvements that will stick. A change agent should envision what could and should be in the future and work toward bringing that possibility to reality.

A change agent is fueled by passion, and inspires passion in others. Our Christian walk is not meant to be undertaken on our own. Even though it is the individual alone that makes the decision to follow the Savior and surrender, the rest of our Christian walk is meant to be made in community. We ought to read our Bibles and pray alone, but we are also to disciple one another -- what this means is to love one another and spur one another on to hope and good deeds. The changes are brought about by a passion for God and for others, and this ought to inspire those around us on, as well.

A change agent has a strong ability to self-motivate. Nowhere that I look in the Bible does it say that people will support the work of God or even approve. In fact, what I see more than anything else, is that people reject God, and often are weary of change. Jesus could not heal in His hometown because their faith was lacking. And this was Jesus! A change agent will still work towards the future goal, even when those around criticize and lack understanding. They also work hard, knowing that validation is unnecessary and likely will be claimed by others. That is Biblical. One man plants the seed, another one waters; finally, another man reaps the harvest.

A change agent must understand people. As Stevenson so aptly reminds us, at the end of the day, change is really about people.

All I can pray is, Lord, make me a change agent. Help me to become more like You and less like me. Use me as You see fit. Give me a heart for Your people and a heart that accepts rebuke and Your discipline. Please let me be led and help me not to be the kind that has to be led like a stubborn mule. Give me understanding to know that You are at work and that I can only walk where you allow and carry those things that You put on my shoulders. Show me what a balanced life looks like -- one that simultaneously acknowledges and honors the past, the present, and the future. Finally, help me to remember to be thankful and give all honor to You.

Interview #2

I have a phone interview on Tuesday morning with the same place in Seattle! They did NOT drop me! God's grace truly is amazing.

Favorite One

I woke up this morning and immediately knew that something good was going to happen. What I expected, and what happened are completely different, though. Something good usually translates itself into meaning news on Seattle. Today was not about Seattle.

Today was about letting God be in charge. I don't need to see fifty yards in front of me, I just need the 3 inches that are in front of me toes. His Word is the lamp unto my path, but that doesn't usually mean that miles and miles of the path are lit up at a time. Just enough for my next step. Sometimes I get caught up on me. We're probably all guilty of that, and more guilty than we want to admit to ourselves or to anyone else. I've been feeling pretty down about Seattle and have been trying to brace myself for disappointment (why should I be disappointed, nothing has happened yet!?). In the midst of the pity party, I surrendered the future to the Lord and decided to live in the present (the HARDEST thing for me to do).

In speaking with a dear friend of mine at lunch, we encouraged each other. I never before understood why my life had been the way it has. I used to look at the other Christians around me and wonder why I was different. God would talk to them. He would bless them with huge gifts and amazing connections. Every day I have struggled. Or so I thought.

With no disrespect meant toward any of my family members, I considered my upbringing. My oldest sister was extremely smart. Everything she has ever tried to do, she has succeeded at. She is brilliant, talented, and ambitious. Everything she has ever wanted, she has gotten. Easily(or so it has seemed from an outsider's point of view). My middle sister was my father's favorite. Growing up, he showed her special care. He encouraged her, showered his attention on her, and spent considerable amounts of time shielding, protecting her, and ensuring that she had everything she needed to be okay. Me. The little sister. I did not have this experience. The time I spent with my father was just that. Time. I got to sit on his lap. He took me outside to work on building fences. I helped him fold drop cloths and tile the bathroom. I did not get words of encouragement or exclamations of pride. I got time.

I remember a story about a little girl who would not let her father pick her up. She would wiggle and squirm and cry until he would let go. The father was so unhappy with this situation and did not know what to do. Finally, one day, he picked the little girl up and held her tight. As she wriggled and squirmed and threw a fit, he kept on holding her. After a long time, she gave up and settled down...finally at rest and comfortable in the arms of her father.

The Lord, my Father, has been good to me. He has held me close for years. I do not often hear His audible voice. Very little happens easily for me. I make mistakes regularly. People have often misread me and said things that are just plain hurtful and untrue. For years this bothered me, until today. My Father has been giving me time with Him. Just like my earthly father has. He has held me close...close to His heart. I know Him, just like a sheep who knows the shepherd. A life without Him would be interminable. I've been resting under His wings...I have found a shelter in Him!

This was a good day. He spoke to me...and He spoke to those around me. I have prayed that this Seattle experience would be an example and a testimony to all around. God is answering that prayer...and so many more!

Surrender

I drove over to Life Group tonight (I'll post on Life Group another time -- I LOVE it) and was struck by Misty Edward's song, "Surrender." The words are so simple, but as I sung them over and over again, I felt my spirit come into agreement.

All I want is You to have Your way
You are the Potter and I am the clay
All I need is You to have Your way
You are Creator and I'm what You've made
Finally I Surrender
You are God I am man
You are sovereign

More than anything else, above anything else, all I want is for God to have His way in my life. If I could boil everything down, I want to have done God's Will and lived His Way. I want to have loved with His love and looked at people through His vision of grace, mercy and justice. There's something to this discipleship stuff. It's changing me...LONG before I even head up to Seattle. This Life Group is not a temporary thing, it's connecting me to the places and people that I am supposed to meet now and in the future -- I feel it. I said to a friend the other day that the Lord has locked me into a collision course and that there is nothing I can do to stop it at this point. He's already made the edict that certain things will happen in my life. I will go certain places and meet specific people. There is a purpose in all of this.

Some days I get caught up in the planning, the analyzing and the deep thinking. I've got to remember to let it all go. As I've said before, if the Lord has called me out of the boat, then I've got to go. It doesn't matter if it is Seattle for a time or for forever. It doesn't matter if it's planting an Every Nation church in the East Bay or SF Bay. He will work the details out. I try to throw myself in the mix and cast vision -- a time in Seattle where I learn about BIG ministry and become equipped so that I can come back and throw myself back into the Bay Area with my whole heart--but I know that I'm limiting God and that there's something I'm missing here. The pounding in my heart of the nations--where does that fit in?

All I want is You to have Your way.
You are the Potter and I am the clay.

Underground

This morning I had the ultimate pleasure of dealing with sewage in my front room. This happened once before (the first week that we moved into the house), so I knew right away that it was sewer and not just an overflowing toilet, bathtub, etc. (sorry for the TMI). Having had a rough week so far, with a few false starts and a couple of upsets, this was something that I did not desire on my plate (literally) this morning.

I went off to work, communicated with clients all day, dealt with the tire people who wanted me to buy 4 new tires, and the thought of the sewage kept returning to my mind. I called my Step-father who was dealing with it today to get an update on the progress. Apparently, the landlord expected that this could happen again (after it happened in November), and was not at all surprised that my front room and bathroom are 2 inches deep in muck. Trying not to be irritated, I mused about the alleged pipes in the backyard that are cracked and damaged by the tree roots.

For years, those roots have been growing, warping and corroding everything in sight. I did not water those roots, but they found the nourishment they needed. I may not have known about those roots causing problems, but my landlord did! In my life right now, I can point to at least one situation where I have allowed bitterness towards another person to creep in. I am aware of the acerbic feelings, but until now I have not understood just how much damage I am allowing in my life. What is underground DOES matter. If I do not uproot the bitterness and anger, at some unknown future point, I will find that I've allowed pollution and poison into my "front room" (my soul). My landlord said that this could happen every 2 to 4 months (my thought: fix it then!)...bitterness, rage, and unforgiveness, etc. breed other maladies. If I do not uproot this situation in my life, I can likely expect recurring bouts of bitterness and anger in my life. They are all linked together.

Grace so Amazing

His grace covers me, I have to remember this. Today was one of those days when I pray that grace abounded.

Being the person that I am, it is difficult not telling my bosses about my plans and knowing that in a few short days (hopefully) I will do something that will change their immediate worlds for a period of time. This makes me sad. Every day they say something kind or encouraging to me, and I bite my tongue, knowing that in a few short weeks I will be gone.

This afternoon, on my lunch break, I took 2 tests for the company I have been interviewing with. An Excel and a Word test -- amazingly they were pretty difficult, though I finished with time left over and I do not believe I made many if any mistakes. Already distressed at having to take the tests at work, I emailed them to my recruiter and swiftly deleted the files from my work computer. TWO hours later I get an email, I had attached the Excel document twice, and left the Word document out. I quickly retook the test, and sent an email to let them know that I had permanently deleted the original earlier test from my computer. How bad does that look? I'm applying for an administrative position and I couldn't even attach the proper tests? I took the opportunity, however, to be honest and show my integrity.

These things happen. Blunders, mistakes, mishaps...why? God's grace. This happened so that I cannot rely on myself or my abilities. God's grace covers me and it will cover this situation. Thank you, Lord!

Interview #1

It's finally starting to sink in...I will be moving. The details are not worked out, the job is not retained, an apartment has not even been considered...but I feel like I just KNOW. How strange, now time is precious and I have so many loved ones to think about before I leave.

The interview went well. I have a test tomorrow on my lunch break, then hopefully another phone interview with one of the employers in Seattle.

The Hope of Nations

I just got back from church and the need to write is so great! As I was worshipping this morning, I kept hearing the words "the Hope of nations" again and again. Barry, the worship leader, asked us to tell God who He is to us, to call out His names. In between songs, I began to say the usual, "Jesus. Redeemer. Creator. Mighty One. Beloved. Awesome. Powerful. My hope and my joy." But then I got stuck, "The Hope of nations." Over and over the words came into my mind and swelled into my heart. The One who holds my heart, the One who gives dreams is the perfect solution, the ultimate conclusion, the best the world will ever find. Jesus is desired by the nations, and the nations are longing for Him, whether or not they know it.

Lord, water the earth and the dry ground. Let your people blossom and grow in the soil. Bring workers to your harvest. Call those dry bones to life! Birth a love for the nations in my heart. We call to the North, the South, the East and the West...Jesus is the hope of the nations! He has come to bring life, true life and that more abundantly!

Without Faith it is impossible to please God

Many family members and close friends have responded to my email. One that stands out to me is from my very dear roommate from my first year at ORU. Thank you, Marsh Marsh!

Hey Shannon! Thanks for including me in the update!! It's so good to hear what God is doing in your life! You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers as you step out to do what God has called you to do!

I understand what you mean when you talk about wanting to do what God has called you to do but not knowing how to start or feeling equipped to start. God never makes small plans for his children, based on what they can do in their own strength. He doesn't go find a billionaire and ask them to do things for Him because they actually have the money to do it (although He will use billionaires, too, if they will allow him to). He asks those who are willing to obey and to do, no matter how ill-equipped we may feel we are for the job. But the great thing about it is God never intended for us to do it or even be able to do it on our own. He has already been working in advance to get everything lined up that you could ever need to accomplish the task; He has it all planned out to arrive just on time and be exactly what you need. God always knows the end from the beginning.

I finally know what I am supposed to do with my life, but it is so huge that I can't even begin to imagine how to make it happen. So I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not going to be the one to make it happen, God is. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking steps, do the little things here and there that He shows me to do, and trust Him to work out the rest.

I'm also going through the same feelings of wondering if I'm really heading in the right direction. But the good news there is that I don't have to get everything perfectly right all the time, and I'm most likely not going to. But it's ok, because God still loves me, and will let me know when I make a wrong step, will guide me back onto the right path and forgive me. He's not going to give up on me and take my dream away from me just because I mess up. I've found that the most important thing is to take a step. Even if you're not sure if it's in the right direction, at least your moving. It's a whole lot easier to steer a ship that is in motion to turn it onto the right course. But a ship that is stagnate in the water is impossible to steer. If you allow fear to keep you from stepping out, you stand there paralyzed by fear, you will never get anywhere. So if you think that you are supposed to go to Seattle, then why not? At least you're doing something about it! God will work everything out and make everything fall into place. And once you're there, you'll be able to tell if it was the right move or not. If it wasn't, then you'll know, and God will help you to get to where you need to be. What do you have to lose?

Faith is the key. It is impossible to please God (and to serve him) without faith. Use your faith to trust God to work everything out and provide everything that you need. Confess with your mouth that you know the will of God for your life, and that you make the right decisions as He guides you with his Holy Spirit. Confess with your mouth that God is working everything out, is preparing everything beforehand, and will provide all of your needs according to his riches in Glory in Christ Jesus!

You can do it, girl! I believe in you! God won't let you fail, even if you make mistakes. You are the only one who can cause you to fail, and the only way to do that is to give up and stop trying to do what you've been called to do. No matter how many mistakes you make, you will still get there, you will still achieve the goal, as long as you continue to press on toward the mark of the high calling that God has placed on your life. I am so proud of you for having to courage to step out and attempt the impossible, to follow the plan God has for your life. Remember, you can do all things through Christ which strengthens you!

I love you! ~Marcia :o)

(Love you, too, Marsh!) I love hearing from different people about their walk with God. He has put big dreams in all of us, and He provides the means and the inspiration...why do we think He can only do the small and mundane?

I have already had one interview...which didn't work out so well. No problem, though! I have a different interview for a consulting company in downtown Seattle on Monday morning. If Jesus is calling me out of the boat, I'm going!!! I don't care if the waves are high and they are crashing all around me. If He has called me, He'll make sure that I don't sink.

Mustard Seed Faith

This is the letter I sent out to several respected friends and family members.

Hi friends, I am sorry that I am sending out a group email instead of talking to each of you individually (that would of course be my preference). The reason I am sending you this email is because I respect your Godly counsel and I covet your prayers.

Since April earlier this year, I have felt that the Lord is moving in my life, preparing me for a new season. At that time, I could not say what it was, but I felt it strongly enough to put my studies on hold (I had just finished with all of my preparatory classes and am now cleared to begin an MBA program without having to take any BA level courses), and seek the Lord. After fasting and much prayer, I sensed that the next season of my life was one of equipping and ministry -- a passion and calling that I had put on the farthest back burner. The next couple of months I continued fasting regularly and praying. I grew frustrated with myself and could not understand how I should minister when I felt so ill-equipped and clueless. It was on a road trip to Seattle when a friend asked me about what was going on in my life that I was able to express how I wanted to serve the Lord in a ministry setting, but I had no idea how to do it. I wanted to be discipled, to be mentored. She was in the same boat and mentioned how her church was starting a year-long Discipleship Training Program (DTP) that would both disciple, equip and mentor men and women for ministry within the church and outreach in the communities. She sent me the information and I went back home to California.

The DTP kept coming back to my mind -- Seattle resonated in my heart long beforehand as a place that felt like home (reminds me so much of Norway...and the rainy cold weather delights me), the opportunity to work in a bustling city (but without the painful baggage that I have from living in Oakland), and the promise of guidance and mentoring every step of the way -- I applied at the very last minute on the day of the deadline.

I did not hear from Mars Hill for quite a long time and I wondered if they had lost my application or disqualified me based on personality, distance, or any other number of factors. Finally, on August 2nd, they sent me an email requesting references and letting me know that they would notify participants of their acceptance on August 9th and that the Program officially begins on August 16th.

I got an acceptance from West Seattle's campus of Mars Hill Church on Sunday, the 9th. I have to admit that I freaked out just a little -- a week til start-up and me in the Bay Area surrounded by looming responsibilities and commitments. After exchanging several emails with the leaders and my mentor team, they granted me an extension on starting so that I could honor my commitments and transition up to the Northwest. Ideally, the goal would be to have everything settled so that I could move by October 1st.

My prayer has been that the Lord would continue to keep the doors open that I am supposed to walk through, and firmly close those that I was never meant to walk through. So far, the door for Seattle has been open. There are still so many things that need to fit and fall in place before I can move, though. The reason I am writing you this email is both to let you know what's going on in my life, but also to ask you to keep me in your prayers. The Lord can use me anywhere, it does not have to be in Seattle. I want to be sensitive to the Lord's leading -- whether that is to the Northwest or it is to stay in the Bay Area for another stretch of time. There are practical matters at hand, too. I have to have a job if I am going to live up there (the DTP takes place on evenings and weekends), and a good housing situation.

Thank you for all of your encouragement, exhortation and friendship over the years! Thank you for praying for me and wanting the best out of life for all of us! We truly can change the world around us, one person at a time. =)

Love,Shannon


The past two weeks I have scrambled and have been striving (in every respect) to find a job and find housing. No job...no call backs...nothing. I ask everyone for prayer, and I pray for myself, as well. Gina, my assigned mentor at Mars Hill, sent me an email earlier this week and asked what kind of work I am looking for. I said that I was looking for a full-time administrator position. Her question, why do I need to work full-time? Puzzled, I considered. I spoke with friends who admonished me and let me know that I do not need as much as I think I need to live on; I must change my mindset. Amazing! They were all correct! Then I opened my mouth and inserted my foot. I expressed that I did not want to go from an executive administrator to some low-level job, I wanted something that would look relatively good on my resume. No one said anything, but later the words clanged inside my head. What was I saying? In essence, I was saying I still want to hold onto my career, and this ministry thing is just a short stint in my life. I felt awful and repented.

Today as I prepared myself to hang out with friends after work, I prayed that the Lord would provide the job for me, that He would help me to stop striving so that His grace would be so perfect and evident in my life. What did He say? You have to have faith in me. You ask people to pray for you all the time...but YOU have to trust me.

I need more faith!!

Update

The Discipleship Training Program at Mars Hill Church in Seattle (West Seattle Campus) has accepted me! They sent me an email a couple of weeks ago asking me to have 3 references complete some online information about me. Their email mentioned that they would assess the candidates, send out acceptance emails on August 9th, and the Program would start on August 16th. August 16th!!?! In case you're wondering, that's in 3 days.



I was on a road trip this past weekend and was not available to check my email at all on Sunday. Before I went to bed, I considered checking my email and finding out what the verdict was, but decided that I needed to sleep well and be rested for work in the morning. As soon as my alarm went off, I sprinted out of bed and checked to see if I had gotten a response from Mars Hill. Sure enough, there it was -- a letter of congratulations and acceptance!!!



Mars Hill has been kind enough to grant me an extension on the start time until October 1st if I need it, and have connected me to the online community so that I can begin to work on finding a Christian roommate or community-living situation. A couple of people keep asking me, "so are you going to do it, Shan?" My answer? I am doing everything in my power to walk through this open door. If all of the pieces do not come together, I will know that this is not the time, and I will be okay with that." What's the hold up? I want to honor my committments here in the Bay Area. Not only must I find a job to support myself up there (the DTP encourages the participants to work full time), but I need to give my job and roommates adequate notice. This suddenly became a lot more complicated! It costs money to move and to rent an apartment! God is good. He knows what He is doing.



For the first time in a very long time, I have a short-term (1 to 2 year) vision for the Bay Area and for Seattle. If I stay or if I go, I know that God will provide and direct me. This next season in my life is about discipleship. I am going to reproduce Christ followers!!

Hope and a Future

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord." (Ps. 139: 1 - 4)

Here I sit on a Saturday night, looking at the assorted pieces of my life. Not more than 12 hours ago, someone said to me that sometimes God works when there is nothing left. Sometimes the stripping away of securities, comforts are the painful, unpleasant catalysts that move us closer to the area that God wants us to be in. I've been at this place in my life several times. Friendships, family relationships, job security, future hope...all stripped from my person. I have felt bereft. My emotions are part of the daily sacrifice I make to the Lord. Every friendship and relationship that I have are not mine to keep...the Lord gives and He sees fit to take away. Even though I screw things up on my own far too often and upset those around me, the truth remains: the Lord delivers people into my life, but He also escorts them right back out. As I look around, I am seeing change all around. Friendships are changing, the relationships within my family are also changing. The Bible says not to fear, even when the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. My earth has been shaken, and the mountains are moving.


"You hem me in -- behind and before: you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." (Ps. 139: 5 - 12)

The week before last, I applied to be a part of the opportunity of my dreams! A good friend mentioned a Discipleship Training Program in Seattle that would address all of my passions, every God-given gift and ability, and even promised to work on my shortcomings. The moment I heard about the program, I felt elated. I applied on the day of the deadline and have been waiting ever since. Disappointment is not exactly what I feel, for I do not know any details. The program was intended to be for men (which, of course, eliminates me), and they were clear in stating that they did not know if they would extend the program for women. Anything could be happening. They could call me tomorrow...or they could not. They could have decided that distance, cost and personal fit are too hindering. There are an assortment of emotions that I could be feeling, but hope is at the forefront. Somewhere, somehow, there is a church that is doing the very thing that my heart has longed for. I did not know that there were these kinds of opportunities! This will not be the last opportunity. Thank you, Lord!

Happy Birthday

I recently celebrated my birthday. Every year I try to take some time out to reflect on the past year and pray for vision for the next year. For my 27th year (I am 28 now), most of my soul searching and fasting happened in the month leading up to my birthday. How did it all start? I began failing an online statistics class and I took a mid-week vacation! School has never been difficult for me. I have always earned the highest marks and I have never struggled to learn material. This one class, a class I had taken 11 years ago, brought me to my knees. As I grappled and fought with the material, I became aware of how foreign my own life felt to me. Ten years ago I would have scoffed at anyone who would have predicted me spending my life at a dull job, learning a dull subject in order to (be dull!) work hard at working hard for the rest of my life. Ten years ago, I was consumed by the desire to be in the Presence of the Lord every waking moment. All I wanted was to serve in His courts, travel His kingdom, and love His people. Ten years can really throw a person off of her mark.

I went up to Seattle and my heart was ready for whatever God wanted to do. I do not know why He chose to speak to me in the manner that He did, and I cannot even recount for you what He said, but He clearly wanted my full attention. My command? Stop everything. HALT! Be quiet, be still, be reverent. As soon as I returned from the landmark trip, I began to fast and pray. How could I bend my will to His? How could I turn my recalcitrant heart back to His? When would my earthly wants take a back seat to His heavenly provision? Wouldn't you think I would be happy? I was, and I was also so bitterly aware of the dissonance in my head and in my heart. Every formulaic prayer, every burning question came bubbling out of my lips...and again I was told to be quiet, be still, and be reverent.

Out of the fullness of my heart, I recall breaking down to my best friend, Tara, that I required her prayers. I did not know the direction my life needed to take; I simply knew that change was on the horizon. I confessed that a business degree needed to be put on hold. I said that all I wanted to do was to worship God, serve His church, reach out to His lost and dying, and to make connections with others of like mind. Tara looked me straight in the eye and said, "finally. I have been waiting for you to remember." My heart began to rest.

She sent me a present for my birthday yesterday, and it was the best present I received. She called it a dream inspiration pack. Her words are what blessed me most:

Gamle Vennen (old friend),
This gift is a little packet of dream-inspiration-dust. Use it liberally and immediately.
It was interesting to hear you've put your degree on hold to renew your focus on your passion to worship. My heart felt joyful at this news because I know it is the one thing that makes you feel most alive. When you are singing, you always seem the most happy, the most luminescent, and the most intimate with the Father...and the great thing about your beautiful lovsang (worship) voice is that it has that same effect on others!
So I encourage you, friend, to return to your first love for this season and see where the Lord will take you as you sing His praise.
May you silence all the nay-sayers and be obedient to the extreme limits of your flesh.
My favorite song on this album (ORU's Until the World Knows CD) is #10, The Elder's Song, Laura Cooke wrote it and signs it. It is so beautiful and powerful and haunting and I always think, "Shannon could write and worship like this!" So take up your pen and lock yourself away in the secret place and know that your biggest fans are cheering you on from over here in Tulsa.
Also, if you need a great, echo-y bridge to sing under, we have some of those...and also someone who is willing to do an accompaniment with you ~ particularly on any Norwegian songs! Happy Birthday & Happy Singing! Love, Tara

Thank you, thank you, thank you! This will no doubt be the most difficult time, most rewarding, most memorable, and most significant period of my life. Lord, You are welcome in this place, in my words, and in my songs!

Bruised, Battered, and Beloved

I can't stop the tears from coming. How could I possibly describe for you the two worlds I lived in when I was growing up? Words could never convey the deepest and darkest of emotions. My art could never capture the truth, so glaring and angry, of both worlds. My story is in chains.

If you have never lived with fear as your constant roommate and companion, you may not be able to follow me where I am going. This fear is what defined me as a child. I stood out from the rest of my family -- with my dreams, thoughts, and worries. From an early age, I remember walking around my front yard and wondering why we had a locked gate. From age 5 and on, it was a regular occurence for me to wake in the middle of the night because search helicopters were shining their lights on our property. At age 10, I was the last person up so that I could make sure our alarm system was armed. I cannot remember how many times I would jerkily awake when that system would start ringing in the middle of the night, or how hard I would pray when Dad would throw open the back door to see what was outside.

If you have never had to duck behind furniture because bullets are hitting your house, you may think that I was just a nervous child. The day that the bullets hit the window right behind my Mom, I understood that very little is guaranteed to us in this world. The bad dreams began and did not stop until I was well into my 20s. Always the intruders would be right outside, armed and violent, intent on hurting and destroying. Tums were part of my daily diet as I had horrible stomach aches every day. Finally, my Mom started coming into my room at bedtime and would pray out loud with me that I would not have a spirit of fear. Cars were stolen, our property broken into, our possessions damaged...my Dad was shot at several times from 15 feet away in front of the church I attended for most of my life. His truck was riddled with those bullet holes...but he was unscathed!!

There is no such thing as reverse racism. Racism is racism, whether it's white against black, asian against black, or black against white. The results are always the same: an impoverished mindset, anger, hatred, and pain. I can remember so many different conversations I heard growing up; I could never wrap my mind around them. I wanted to know how a skin color could predict a person's attitude and behavior. It worried me. I was the whitest person I had ever seen...did that make me evil and elitist? The many angry retorts I heard on the news about entitlement and the raw anger I saw in so many people's eyes made me nervous. I can remember telling the kids at school who claimed that my family had been slave owners that it was not possible. I tried to explain to them that my parents came to this country from Norway, a place that did not have African slaves. More than anything, I remember feeling that I was the one on the outside...like I did not, could not belong. I longed for peace and harmony with those children and the adults around me. Like a typical child, I kept my eyes and ears open, and my mouth tightly shut. As I grew older, a different type of attention followed me. Suddenly the men in my community felt that they had the right to say whatever they wanted to me. I was a stranger that they felt they were entitled to say vulgar obscenities to, the next moment to shout strings of curses and insults. I did not like going to the gas station because I hated how scared I felt and how rude I had to be (not make eye contact, ignore any man that tried to get my attention). When I washed my car out on the street, I kept our Rottweiler on a leash right beside me. Cars would come to a stop when they saw me and speed off as soon as they saw the dog.

That was one of the worlds I lived in. The other world is the one that negates that other world for most people. Many have joked with me that I grew up under a rock in Oakland. I laugh and offhandedly agree with them. I was not allowed to play on my street. I attended a private Lutheran elementary school until I was homeschooled from 6th grade and beyond. I had very little to do with the community existing outside of my front gate. People have said, "sure you're from Oakland. But you're not REALLY from Oakland. Come on, Shannon." They are correct. Though I experienced quite a bit more than the average little girl growing up, I did not have to endure even a fraction of the things that are common in Oakland. I never lost a family member to gang violence. I did not see a policeman abuse someone I loved. A bullet never took a family member. My father, though often not at home, was never in jail a day in his life. I was never stopped by authorities because I was the wrong color for that side of town. I was not physically or sexually abused. My parents were married until I was 20 years old. I never knew much want or hunger.

Why do the tears roll down my face? I don't live in Oakland anymore...so why am I thinking about this? Why does this still effect me to this day?

Today I ran across a brand new ministry set in the heart of Oakland. Shalom of Oakland. As I read about that ministry, my heart began to ache. The voices of the children, the eyes of the old...they all cried out to me. They need people to pray, to donate, to help, to volunteer, and to love all of the people in the communities within Oakland. I am a weak vessel. Even as my spirit jumps in agreement with this ministry, my body trembles with palpable fear. The four policemen that were shot and killed earlier this year were shot not even a mile away from the house that I grew up in.

How do I walk in the Spirit? When hatred looks at me in the face through another person, how do I refute it with Christ's pure love? How do I let go of my preconceived notions? How do I suspend my expectations and allow others to accept me just as I am? How can you heal the wounds inflicted on a group of people that are so deep?

I am a weak vessel. Jesus, come fill me.

Rebekah

Tomorrow is a new day. The very moment I open my eyes, I have a choice. I can either choose to align my heart with God's and bring life, reconciliation, joy, understanding and love to the people and the world around me, or I can choose the path of me. What does the path of me look like? Sooooo glad you asked! I took that path today, so I can intimately describe it.

Path of me:

Wake up. Grumble incoherently. Snooze a bunch, nudge my Bible under my bed with the arm carelessly slung over the side of my bed as I steal another 20 minutes of sleep from God, my job, and myself.
Hurriedly get ready, run out of the door -- try not to trip on the stairs in my heels. Jump in my messy car and drive about 15 miles over the speed limit on surface streets in order to get on the freeway and join the rest of Bay Area traffic. Impatiently tap my fingers on the steering wheel for the next half hour and sigh a lot. Depending on other drivers, perhaps yell "moron" at another driver or two.
Get to work. Slow down just enough to hug my coffee cup with both hands and jumpstart my system with Peet's House Blend coffee. Smile for the first time all day. Smile quickly vanishes as I read my emails, run reports, talk to clients, and forget all about the people all around me.
About 2 hours into my day, I feel vaguely irritable and can't figure out why. I say the first thing that comes to mind to my coworker. Usually it is snarky comment, sharp like a barb. Feel a little guilty. Pray for the first time -- interrupted about 5 seconds in with a phone call.
Fast forward 2 hours to lunch. Run out and grab something to eat, read a book for school or mill about San Ramon doing a bunch of nothing. Feel a sense of discomfort and disquiet.
Get back to work and insert foot in mouth with coworkers. Coworker(s) say something back that gets me angry. Stew for an hour or so.
Time to go home. Throw everything on my desk into the cabinet, lock everything and run to my car, try not to twist my ankle on the cement. Enter the chaos which is Bay Area traffic.
Get home. Waste entirely too much time on Facebook, look at apartments and jobs on Craigslist, plan vacations, etc. 2 hours go by. I finally pick up my school books to begin reading or take a test.
Stumble around the house, trip on my clothes and belongings that are all over the floor. Yawn and look at the clock. Freak out, need to go to bed! Hurriedly get ready and jump in bed.
As head hits the pillow, a still small voice asks, "do you want to talk?" And then I remember Him. Some nights I do. Some nights I reach over and turn off the lamp and shut my eyes hoping I can wake up early enough in the morning to say good morning to Him.

On days like this I think about Rebekah in the Bible. She had no idea what was going to happen to her the day that Abraham's servant came to her town of Nahor. Toward evening, it was the custom of the women of the town to draw water from the well just outside of the town. On this one day, she goes with the other women as usual. Other than noting the fact that she was beautiful and a virgin, the Bible does not note that she did anything remarkable as she approached the well to draw water to bring back for her family. The servant, who interestingly enough is not given a name, has been praying to the God of heaven to show him the woman he should bring back for Isaac to marry. He does not pray for himself, but instead prays that God would show kindness to Abraham by providing the wife for Abraham's son, Isaac. He asks specifically that the woman he asks to have a drink from would not only offer him to drink, but also water his 10 (TEN extremely THIRSTY travel weary) camels. This is not only kindness, this over above, turn the other cheek, hand your cloak off your back kindness.

Rebekah of course is the woman that fits the prayer list. What is remarkable about this? She was going about her business and following her usual customs. When the moment came for promise and destiny to meet real time, she did not falter. She was not even aware that spiritual balance was tipping in her favor -- that she was about to set in motion something that would effect all of eternity. Ready in season and out of season, she poured from the abundance of her heart and with the strength of her arms. Likely she had no thought for recompense or reward...

Every day I have the servants of Abraham come across my path -- praying for God's provision, God's hand and His heart here on earth. Oh Lord, that I would be like Rebekah! Give me a heart that seeks You and hands that willingly and skillfully serve others!

From my journals this week:

"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you." ~ Psalm 38:9

How comforting it is to me that my Heavenly Father is intimately aware of my heart's business. He knows my every thought, every anguish, every insane burst of joy.... The truth that He understands me allows me to stop striving, toiling for acceptance and validation. I am loved.

At any given point, I probably have 100 random thoughts going in my mind. Some of them are as minute as "I think I only drank 8 cups of water today," "a cream sweater would go well with my brown pants, especially if I wore the gold earrings, etc." to the big ones like, "campus ministry is where my heart is at this moment," "what does God's unfailing love look like in my life." The past couple of weeks have been huge. I feel a shift in the mood and direction of my life -- a shift that began 10 years ago, but was stopped short. I'm terrified! AND excited! And all of the big emotions in between.

More to come...