Letter to Self

Hey,
You know this letter has been a long time coming. There have been so many times this past year when you have forced yourself to quiet down and let everything glide for a while...you thought we were united about this! Don't you remember that you agreed to deal with the emotional content of life when you could take the time to experience, acknowledge everything, and deal with each issue? You definitely remember that conversation...you had it in college. Mom and Dad were breaking up, you had just broken up with David (more like ran away), you had no money, were living in the middle of nowhere, and had disappointed everyone around you. It just made sense for you to leave the emotions outside of your dorm room and pick them up when it was time to move back home. You were okay with this, at least you kept your thoughts to yourself.

Well, I suppose it's time now to be a grown up, whatever that means. It's not that I want to psychoanalyze you...this is so much bigger. I want you to grow as a person, be a safe harbor, and a strong pillar. Being strong doesn't mean that you have to disassociate from your emotions. Everytime you start bringing everything into the cognitive realm, I get really scared. Don't you know how isolating that is!? Fear is not the only emotion out there that is safe to express. "Safe" is not found everywhere and in everyone...and that's okay. You are wise, and that is what your name means. You have other emotions: shame, guilt, anger, sadness, loneliness...do I need to keep going? I think we both can agree that you experience all of them. Why are you afraid to cry in front of others? Is it because of the "Midnight Confession" around the table with your Mom and your sisters? I wonder why that discussion made you so uncomfortable. As I recall it, you actually opened up that night and told them that you had become a Christian a few months before, and that you did not want to share with people because you were afraid of being flooded with too many emotions. That was a huge step for you. Was the problem that there was just "too much" sharing in general that night, and you felt that Mom was sharing too much about her life and it was inappropriate? I think you need to think about why that time stands out to you.

Tonight was rough. You are not in the "emerging adulthood" stage anymore. BUT you kind of are. Sorry! Your actual age may be 30, but you are still wrestling through these existential and practical issues of emerging adulthood. You heard what the teacher said, you have to work through your @#$%. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up to fall flat on your face as a therapist. Yeah, it's okay to fail and make mistakes. In this case, though, this stuff has to be resolved before you are faced with it across the table. That day is coming, and it will be here soon!

Okay, you have dealt with rejection, and still do. I don't know whether or not to applaud you. You build relationships and then act like nothing is wrong when the other party snubs you or stops talking to you. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you, and sometimes it has everything to do with you. How do you know the difference? Know yourself and study other people. Don't be afraid to move into the emotional layer of life...and for heaven's sake, quit diffusing the situation! You cannot know what the other person was thinking or intending if you automatically sweep everything into the positive zone or the "friend" zone. It's pretty funny, but come on now. One day all of this is going to mean something, that day may already be here. Sometimes it really is an invitation to spend the day with you, and sometimes it's what you always assume it is: just something a person says. Give the person a chance; keep your mouth shut. You learned a valuable lesson this year, and I do want to encourage you in that. Rejection is a gift, when done properly. Saying you're not interested in a person in a God-honoring way, that leaves no room for wondering and gives complete closure...that is a gift that you give someone. Remember ALL the times you have been rejected, don't you wish they had treated you that way? It sure would have saved a bunch of tissue boxes and wasted hours talking every angle out and wondering. If you're not sure about where you stand, by all means, ask someone to spell it out. AND feel free to start your own spelling bee if you feel the need to spell something out for someone.

You started confronting this year. Aren't you glad you did? If you hadn't spoken to your friend and asked for clarification, you would have forever assumed she was untrustworthy. You would be robbed of an extremely rich relationship right now. Thank you for embracing the hard questions and the difficult tasks in life. Girl, you have a bunch of them coming up right now. Hang on to your faith, your family and your friends. Don't be afraid to be broken, because God can rebuild you. Your foundations are in Him. Your times are in His hands. Your comings and goings are in His awareness. He has not forsaken you and left you without a hope. You are not alone.

Remember that you are loved, by your Heavenly Father, by your parents, siblings, friends, and last but not least, I love you. You can do this.