Faith Like Potatoes

I have not posted anything for a while -- this lack of communication reflects what has been going on in my life for the past few weeks. I could say that I have been busy and that I have been stressds (which is true), but the unhappy truth is that I took my eyes off of the reason for my everything. Jesus ceased to be the person that I was living my life for. No, it's not that I rejected Him and chose another god...it's simply that I stopped acknowledging Him in all my ways. Needless to say, it's been a difficult few weeks.

Honestly, I do not want to go to Seattle if I am forcing it and God has provision for me elsewhere. Neither do I want to lay down and give up if He has asked me to stand and fight. This is one of the most uncomfortable places I've ever been. At the end of the day, though, I just want to be with my Savior. He's so beautiful. I cry when I think about how He changes lives -- makes them flourish and grow. Hard rocky ground and hearts of stone...He is the One that brings life. Not me. Not my words. Not my efforts. It is Him.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it. Unless the Lord guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain." ~Psalm 127:1

This verse is really a motto for me. Unless the Lord is involved and the foreman in charge of the job, there is no point on my being on the work detail. Whether it's a romantic relationship, a family issue, a hierarchy issue at work, etc., if the Lord is not in it, I surely do not want to be. My prayer for God's people and for myself is that we would allow Him to build our houses (everything pertaining to our lives) instead of trying to build them ourselves. Imagine how differently we would act, or how different things would be. Peace would abound. We would see miracles, we would be a part of miracles -- all the time! Tell me, why is it that so many Christians think I'm crazy when I say that it's time to raise people from the dead? When they think I'm speaking allegorically, they're fine with it. When they realize I mean it literally, they laugh at me and label me a radical. Well, maybe I am a radical! Jesus certainly was...and I want to walk in His footsteps.

It's been a tough few weeks, and I am weary. My patience has been thin. My faith has been shaky. God's grace has covered me. Thank you for mercy!

Blessings, big and small

I've been thanking God for my weekend in Seattle. He gave me such rest and allowed me to sit back, enjoy myself and focus on other people instead of myself and the circumstances I'm met with everyday. Relaxation is next to impossible for me -- how are you supposed to relax your muscles? It's too hard. =) Everyone tells me to concentrate on relaxing, doesn't that defeat the purpose? Erin and Jordan spent quite a bit of time with me and I'm thrilled at the prospect of being in the DTP with both of them! They're such a great couple and I love hearing their fresh perspectives on things -- often so different from one another. God is already providing people to spend time with and others to pour into. He astonishes me!

The interview went alright. I did not have a feeling one way or another whether I'm the type of employee they are looking for. What stuck out in my mind is that they want someone who is all in, not looking for something to fill a void or provide a paycheck. Though I do not know if I can offer life-long commitment to them, I know that I want to be the kind of person that is always "all in." If I'm going to do something, I want to do it right and I want to carry it out to its completion.

Mars Hill is wonderful. I did not get to meet the DTP, except for one or two of the leaders.

Now I wait. I mentioned to Erin that I do not know what I will do if I hear from the company that they are looking for someone else. How will I cope with the disappointment and the setback? I pray that I won't face disappointment in this arena. I thank God for his blessings, big and small!

Weekend

I am flying up to Seattle on Saturday and Sunday for an interview with the Financial Planning company mentioned in my most recent previous posts. My phone interview on Thursday went very well, and they emailed me to say that they think it is important that they meet all the candidates in person. They offered to pay some of the cost of my ticket! This whole process has been quite costly, and I try not to lose my trust in God when I think about my credit cards and the steadily raising amount of dollars I am putting on there!

I will meet with the DTP, but the interview itself is on Sunday after church...so I won't have as much time with the Discipleship group as I would have liked. I'm taking deep breaths. God has me in the palm of His hand. He knows what He is doing, and the end result will be beautiful!

Land of the Brave

Fear isn't one loud voice...it is often a thousand small voices, whispering words of doubt and confusion. People say that I am brave, and maybe I am, but I don't often feel brave. No one hears the words I have to say to myself sometimes when I enter a crowded party, looking for friendly faces. They are not there when I give in to selfishness and insecurity and refuse to do something extremely uncomfortable but that would bless someone else. People think bravery has to do with the epic, glaringly obvious exploits. If you save someone from a burning building at the risk of your own life, you are brave. Agreed, that is brave! If you move your entire life to a foreign country to preach the Gospel of Christ where the Gospel is met with hostility and hatred, that person is definitely brave and acting (hopefully) under the direction of the Lord. Bravery means something a little different to me. Dictionary.com defines bravery as: intrepidity, fearlessness, boldness, daring, prowess, heroism, pluck, spirit, audacity, nerve, mettle, spunk. Perhaps that all holds true.

I had the privilege of attending a Christian University in Oklahoma for two years before earning my BA and moving back to California. During those two years, without fail, twice a week we attended a chapel service where the entire gamut of preachers, teachers and Christian role models would speak to the students for an hour. At the time I thought it was cool, but as students we tended to belabor the point that many of the preachers touched on subjects we felt were not beneficial. One particular Wednesday, a favorite, Bill Wilson spoke to a hushed chapel full of students. Though I cannot remember his entire message, I remember his admonishment to us. There is darkness everywhere we look. He himself was shot several times in his hometown of New York and lives to speak of it. Evil runs rampant all around us. We are tempted to throw down our hands and cry out and curse the darkness. That is what many of us do...I hear Christians daily condemn the world and its state of affairs. We curse the society that applauds fornication, materialism and does not bat an eyelash at perversion. But Bill said that we have a choice, we can choose to curse the darkness or we can choose to light a candle and shine light on the darkness.

Bravery. We are all brave when we choose to look at the darkness all around and shine Christ's light. Talking about it is NOT the same as doing it. When we pray for God's kingdom here on earth, we are asking for the light to dispel the darkness! Each time we share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with a person, we are bringing light to a darkened soul. I want to be brave at all times, not caught up in personal struggles like fear of failure or abandonment. God will never leave us nor forsake us. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. I need not fear failure nor abandonment! I will curse the darkness in my own soul and light a candle, burning ever brighter and yet brighter still!