Life's Soundtrack (2)

Couldn't figure out how to write a blog on that earlier entry of "Life's Soundtrack." This song is a little bit of what I'm going through right now. I'm at the wall - or beginning the "Dark Night of the Soul." This is normal, a healthy part of the journey of my Christian walk...and I will not be afraid because the Lord will walk through with me. AND afterward, my faith will be stronger, I will know more of Christ's love, and I will be able to humbly love others around me in a deeper, more authentic way. Here are the lyrics:

Farther Along

Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man died, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves em’ both
We’re all cast-aways in need of ropes
Hangin’ on by the last threads of our hope
In a house of mirrors full of smoke
Confusing illusions I’ve seen

Where did I go wrong, I sang along
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates
But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin’ that line back home

So much more to life than we’ve been told
It’s full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
Go down into the river and let it run
And wash away all the things you’ve done
Forgiveness alright

Chorus
Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin’ for my soul
And I’ve got no place left go
Cause I got changed by what I’ve been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin’ on

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I’m free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I’ll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levee and my bluff
Let the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the son of god is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we’re the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon

Chorus

Life's Soundtrack

If just for tonight...let's get lost

I knew the day would eventually come.  Teachers, graduates, and fellow students have been telling me that I would start to feel the spin cycle and the deconstruction of seminary and the Marriage and Family Therapy program. Part of me knew that they were telling me the truth, and the other part (the stupid/naive part?) thought that maybe I could coast through. Nope.

Tuesday's class talked about addiction.  My own history with an alcohol and drug addicted family member has tied me into knots around my drinking and anyone else's drinking. The men and women that I love the most and want to get the closest to, I inundate with my own obsessions and fears. Sometimes I feel like a cripple in this area. Thank GOD I get to work on my own crap so that I can one day help others with their own.

Saturday really did a number on me...I felt/feel so overwhelmed, inadequate, rough, starry-eyed and infantile in my place right now. We watched a video of a woman getting counseling for her perfectionism and care for everyone else but herself. I started feeling the room get stuffy and close in on me. Isn't that what I've been doing? Competing against myself...never taking myself off the hook or giving myself any slack or breathing room. This summer was wonderful, I socialized, relaxed, and reconnected with God. However, now with the semester starting up, I am right back to my old ways. After class on Saturday, with all of these emotions bubbling up inside of me, I just wanted to skip town for a little while, leave everything behind if just for a night.

Yeah, everything was still waiting for me when I got back from my "purposelessness"exercise, but my mind and heart were in a better place. Sabbath - sometimes we need to rest and lay our burdens down.  Was I escaping? Perhaps. But I always intended to come right back to pick up where I left everything, to let God sort it and me out. But just for that night, I wanted, needed...to simply get lost in the night air, the swirling stars, and the dark melodies.