Pure Joy

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." James 1: 2-4 Message

Excitement is hitting me. Trepidation is there at all times...that lingering feeling in my stomach that I'm moving away from all that is familiar and that I will feel very alone and small in the world. There is sadness mingling with all of the other emotions. BUT, do I have joy? Happiness is temporal, fleeting. Here for one moment and gone for even longer. Joy is an evasive, wellspring of peace and hope. There is no other word for joy but joy!

I often recall James 1:2. The Message captures it in a wonderful way, but in paraphrase, I think of it as "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials and temptations of many kinds." Joy is usually the last thing I'm feeling or thinking about. Wouldn't it be nice for us to say that the rough things that happen to us in life draw us closer to God instead of causing us to take our eyes off of Jesus? I want the choices I make today and the grace that seasons my life to help others right now. The difficulties, the lonely times, the hardships...I want them to mean something! God's story for me is one that will help others on their faith journey. There's something up ahead in the road, I can almost make it out...

Sovereign

The title of my post has a two-fold meaning. When I look up the word Sovereign in the dictionary, the noun refers to a King, a ruler or a supreme authority. In the adjective sense, sovereign means having supreme rank or authority, preeminent, indisputable, greatest in degree, and refers to that which is above all others in character, importance and excellence. Have you ever heard it said that God is sovereign? I have. It got me thinking.

If He is preeminent, that means that He is above and before all others. He should be this in my life. It also means that if He is indisputable, His Word holds firm and will always be true, unquestionable, reliable, stable and certain. Some things are not written in the Bible, like who I will marry, whether or not I have children, if I sing before millions and lead people to Christ...BUT the things that are written in the Bible, that He guides and directs my path, that He perfects that which concerns me...those are indisputable truths. WOW. If God is the supreme authority, that means that everything else, everything, is under Him and His reign.

This past week I spent a lot of time in silence, praying and thinking. I asked myself, "what will I do if He doesn't provide anything in Seattle? Will you just give up? Won't people think you did not trust Him enough?" I know that these are my fears and my insecurities talking. I will follow Him where His light is dim, His voice is heard small, where His healing power is not known, even to the uttermost bounds of the earth (ORU's creed). That may or may not include Seattle. BUT I will work towards that goal, and if I do not see it come to fruition, I will follow Him wherever, with all the strength that He has given me.

On Monday I got a phone call from a company in Bellevue, Washington that was very interested in me for a Financial Associate position. We had a long phone interview that ended with them telling me that I was very qualified and had the background they are looking for. This afternoon I received an email that they want to continue talking to me and they want to do another phone interview this week with the entire office. The company's name (part of it anyway) is Sovereign. Do I think this is a coincidence? Not at all.

Seattle Update

I did not get the job that I interviewed for in Seattle. Within 15 minutes of each other, both of the jobs that were looking the most promising turned me down. While some are saying that I'm supposed to stay in the Bay Area because there is work for me here, others are saying to stay faithful and keep doing what I've been doing.

I will keep working, keep trusting, and keep moving towards the mark. By no means does this mean that I am going to be ineffectual in the Bay Area. My prayer is that the Lord use me even as I work towards this huge transition. The Bible says, "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." (Proverbs 16:9). I'm holding onto that.

We Speak to Nations

I'm so fired up right now! Thank you, Lord, for disciples, world missions, and men and women of God that have understood Your Word and Your promises!

Hear the sound
The sound of the nations calling
Hear the sound
The sound of the fathers crying
Who will go for us
Who will shout to the corners
Of the earth
That Christ is King

We speak to nations
Be open
We speak to nations
Fall on your knees
We speak to nations
The kingdom is coming near to you
Oh we speak to strongholds
Be broken
Power of darkness
You have to flee
We speak to nations
The kingdom is coming near to you
We speak to you
Be free be free

Hear the sound
The sound of the nations worshipping
Hear the sound
Of sons and daughters singing
We will go for you
We will shout to the corners of the earth
That Christ is King

Israel Houghton's song keeps echoing in my head. We truly speak to nations. God will open doors that no man can shut. We will speak before Kings and great tributaries. He shall be our counsel and He shall give us favor before all men. We will be persecuted, yes, but we will also have access into the most secret places in the earth and to the most distinguished people. Already He is doing this...do we perceive it?

Lord, that I would be a disciple! Take from me all desire for personal gain and glory. I desire to do Your will and love You!

Apples, peaches, pumpkin pie

Still waiting and trusting the Lord. I haven't heard anything from Seattle so far.

The week is still young and yet so much has already happened to bring my focus right off of God and back onto myself or others in a less than effective or positive light. Instead of responding in negative ways or grumbling which many may say I would be entitled to do, I am going to ask a series of questions.

What does my life look like when it is lived for Jesus? My life is NOT my own, as much as I want to claim it for myself and do with it as I please. Every time I want to rage and act selfishly, my thoughts return to what Jesus had to pay for the world. He laid down his life, His every right. He calls us daily to pick up our cross and to follow Him. What is our cross? The cross signifies death. It is both our literal and figurative death.

What are my fruits? May fruit abound! The fruits of the Spirit are righteousness, peace, joy, kindness, patience, self-control, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and love. These are the fruits that others should see in my person and character. Someone has brought it to my attention that they are having a hard time seeing my fruit. Others are able to see it. Now, why might that be? As Christians, we cannot be choosy about who we are kind to, and who we show love to. Jesus cared for the Pharisee, the tax collector and the prostitute alike. The Bible clearly says that as believers, we are the light of the world, like a city on a hilltop that cannot be easily hidden. Our fruit will follow us, and our good deeds will show us for what we are. Christ-followers. I am not too worried about the accusations brought before me. Our fruit will show us for what kind of trees we are.

Seattle Swiftly

The past few days have been a whirlwind for me! The interview on Wednesday morning went very well. Amy was easy to talk to and I felt very positive about the whole thing. My recruiter called two hours after the interview to inform me that they want to move me along in the process and wanted to have an in-person interview with me this past Friday. I asked if we could do the interview on Monday (tickets were cheaper) instead, but it had to be Friday. Quickly, I agreed, purchased the cheapest tickets I could find, arranged to rent a car from the airport and began researching different apartments.

With no sleep on Thursday night (except an hour), I woke up at 4 in the morning with a raging cold and an upset stomach. The flight to Seattle was unremarkable. What blessed me the most was the complete and utter feeling of peace I had the entire time. There was not even a hint of apprehension or nervousness as I prepared for the interview. In fact, I had to set an alarm for myself before the interview because I kept falling asleep!

Amy and Julienne were very unassuming interviewers, wonderful at making one comfortable and asking great questions. Thankfully, the whole interview felt more like a conversation with lots of smiling and laughing. My recruiter had forgotten to inform them that I live in California...which shocked them a little. I pointedly asked them if that was a problem, and they did not think it was. They expressed regret that they had not known, or they would have done the interview by telephone. Sigh. That was okay, though. At least I showed ambition and intent by flying all the way out there for the interview.

On another positive note, I may have found an apartment in West Seattle. It's a decent-sized one-bedroom close to the church in West Seattle (handicap accessible -- go figure, complete with handles in the bathroom, LOL!), that is offering an almost non-existent security deposit (Praise Him!). Several apartments were possible for me. The owner of one duplex in particular was a blessing to me. Barbie is from Antioch Bible Church -- the church that planted Mars Hill! She was so thrilled that I was a Christian and moving to Seattle to be a part of Mars Hill that she offered me the bottom unit of the duplex for the entire month of September free! My plan is not to move until October, anyway, but that way I would not have to worry about retaining a popular rental with extra money that I do not have. The apartment, though lovely, was a little farther from the church than I cared for, and also felt a tinge on the small side. I have been toying with the idea of living with roommates, and am still somewhat undecided on the matter. On one hand, I would have a constant supply of companions should I choose to live in community. On the other hand, this would force me to step out and really REACH out to those around me (out of necessity!). The lease would be approximately 6 months, so I could reassess at the end of the term and figure out if I want to move, get a roommate, etc.

This week they will call me to let me know about the job!

Devotional Prayer

Heavy. My heart and my mind were heavy this entire week. Earlier this summer, I began to document things in my notebook of what I saw to come. For instance, I knew that the Senior Pastor at my church was going to resign approximately 2 months before he announced it to the church. No one told me, it was something I was simply aware of. The purpose behind this kind of knowledge is often to encourage, but it is also there so that I may pray and intercede.

My heart and mind have been heavy this week. I am seeking the Lord's direction in my life and I am turning my feet swiftly towards His path for me. Many have been on the outside looking in and have thought that my actions are questionable, and that the choices I have made and continue to make are of a different "spirit." Prayerfully I have considered their words, and thrown the bad out and kept the good. Their understanding has been limited, especially since they have not stopped to ask me any questions. Their hearts have been well-meaning, just as Job's friends loved him and meant him well. In Job's case, his friends suffered from a lack of knowledge and understanding. I have searched for a home church for nearly 3 years. I had no desire to church hop, but I could not find what I was searching for. I became so disheartened and even a little rebellious. The churches I was attracted to were always unreasonably far away, and they made little sense to commit to. After my trip up to Seattle in April, I returned to Harvest Valley in Pleasanton (it was the first church I had started my church search with) and I have been there ever since.

Many changes are coming to HVCC, some that are necessary and others that unsettle me. As a response to Pastor's sermon this morning, we were asked to have a short time of devotional prayer before being dismissed. As I knelt before my chair, I quietly prayed and sought the Lord. I do not understand why path has been like it is. The choices set before me are difficult ones. The knowledge has often been difficult, especially in this case. During the past 20 years of my church life, I have personally seen more than 8 pastors resign and leave their posts. Approximately 6 of these pastors have left in the past 4 years. I have cried out to the Lord, angry and disheartened, why do these Pastors always leave? Is it impossible for the Shepherds to stay with their sheep? This has caused some amount of distrust in my life...a disinterest in coming under the authority of a pastor -- a fear that they will abandon me. Why should I invest and share my life with the Pastor, allow him to shepherd me, if he is just going to turn around in a few months and leave his post? These thoughts were going around in my mind as I prayed during the service. Everywhere I go, something happens. Two words popped into my mind as I prayed. Change Agent.

Change Agent. I have a general understanding of those words, but couldn't imagine why the Lord was sharing them with me during our devotional prayer time.

I turned to the Internet and began reading an interesting article by Dennis Stevenson. He describes a change agent as a person who alters human capability or organizational systems to achieve a higher degree of output or self actualization. "Beginning with the end in mind, the goal of a change agent is obviously to make changes that stick. The result of change agent activity is to enable people to do more, or find a new and better perspective on life. Sometimes this latter idea is the foundation for future change which achieves outcomes that were previously not attainable." Interesting.

In reading that, I understand that the Lord desires all of us to agents of change in our cultures, in our homes, in our schools, and even in our churches. Stevenson goes on to describe how he believes it feels to be a change agent.

A change agent lives in the future and not in the present. It is not so much that an individual must live completely in the future, it is more that they must constantly be looking to the future. The goal is to bring changes and improvements that will stick. A change agent should envision what could and should be in the future and work toward bringing that possibility to reality.

A change agent is fueled by passion, and inspires passion in others. Our Christian walk is not meant to be undertaken on our own. Even though it is the individual alone that makes the decision to follow the Savior and surrender, the rest of our Christian walk is meant to be made in community. We ought to read our Bibles and pray alone, but we are also to disciple one another -- what this means is to love one another and spur one another on to hope and good deeds. The changes are brought about by a passion for God and for others, and this ought to inspire those around us on, as well.

A change agent has a strong ability to self-motivate. Nowhere that I look in the Bible does it say that people will support the work of God or even approve. In fact, what I see more than anything else, is that people reject God, and often are weary of change. Jesus could not heal in His hometown because their faith was lacking. And this was Jesus! A change agent will still work towards the future goal, even when those around criticize and lack understanding. They also work hard, knowing that validation is unnecessary and likely will be claimed by others. That is Biblical. One man plants the seed, another one waters; finally, another man reaps the harvest.

A change agent must understand people. As Stevenson so aptly reminds us, at the end of the day, change is really about people.

All I can pray is, Lord, make me a change agent. Help me to become more like You and less like me. Use me as You see fit. Give me a heart for Your people and a heart that accepts rebuke and Your discipline. Please let me be led and help me not to be the kind that has to be led like a stubborn mule. Give me understanding to know that You are at work and that I can only walk where you allow and carry those things that You put on my shoulders. Show me what a balanced life looks like -- one that simultaneously acknowledges and honors the past, the present, and the future. Finally, help me to remember to be thankful and give all honor to You.

Interview #2

I have a phone interview on Tuesday morning with the same place in Seattle! They did NOT drop me! God's grace truly is amazing.

Favorite One

I woke up this morning and immediately knew that something good was going to happen. What I expected, and what happened are completely different, though. Something good usually translates itself into meaning news on Seattle. Today was not about Seattle.

Today was about letting God be in charge. I don't need to see fifty yards in front of me, I just need the 3 inches that are in front of me toes. His Word is the lamp unto my path, but that doesn't usually mean that miles and miles of the path are lit up at a time. Just enough for my next step. Sometimes I get caught up on me. We're probably all guilty of that, and more guilty than we want to admit to ourselves or to anyone else. I've been feeling pretty down about Seattle and have been trying to brace myself for disappointment (why should I be disappointed, nothing has happened yet!?). In the midst of the pity party, I surrendered the future to the Lord and decided to live in the present (the HARDEST thing for me to do).

In speaking with a dear friend of mine at lunch, we encouraged each other. I never before understood why my life had been the way it has. I used to look at the other Christians around me and wonder why I was different. God would talk to them. He would bless them with huge gifts and amazing connections. Every day I have struggled. Or so I thought.

With no disrespect meant toward any of my family members, I considered my upbringing. My oldest sister was extremely smart. Everything she has ever tried to do, she has succeeded at. She is brilliant, talented, and ambitious. Everything she has ever wanted, she has gotten. Easily(or so it has seemed from an outsider's point of view). My middle sister was my father's favorite. Growing up, he showed her special care. He encouraged her, showered his attention on her, and spent considerable amounts of time shielding, protecting her, and ensuring that she had everything she needed to be okay. Me. The little sister. I did not have this experience. The time I spent with my father was just that. Time. I got to sit on his lap. He took me outside to work on building fences. I helped him fold drop cloths and tile the bathroom. I did not get words of encouragement or exclamations of pride. I got time.

I remember a story about a little girl who would not let her father pick her up. She would wiggle and squirm and cry until he would let go. The father was so unhappy with this situation and did not know what to do. Finally, one day, he picked the little girl up and held her tight. As she wriggled and squirmed and threw a fit, he kept on holding her. After a long time, she gave up and settled down...finally at rest and comfortable in the arms of her father.

The Lord, my Father, has been good to me. He has held me close for years. I do not often hear His audible voice. Very little happens easily for me. I make mistakes regularly. People have often misread me and said things that are just plain hurtful and untrue. For years this bothered me, until today. My Father has been giving me time with Him. Just like my earthly father has. He has held me close...close to His heart. I know Him, just like a sheep who knows the shepherd. A life without Him would be interminable. I've been resting under His wings...I have found a shelter in Him!

This was a good day. He spoke to me...and He spoke to those around me. I have prayed that this Seattle experience would be an example and a testimony to all around. God is answering that prayer...and so many more!

Surrender

I drove over to Life Group tonight (I'll post on Life Group another time -- I LOVE it) and was struck by Misty Edward's song, "Surrender." The words are so simple, but as I sung them over and over again, I felt my spirit come into agreement.

All I want is You to have Your way
You are the Potter and I am the clay
All I need is You to have Your way
You are Creator and I'm what You've made
Finally I Surrender
You are God I am man
You are sovereign

More than anything else, above anything else, all I want is for God to have His way in my life. If I could boil everything down, I want to have done God's Will and lived His Way. I want to have loved with His love and looked at people through His vision of grace, mercy and justice. There's something to this discipleship stuff. It's changing me...LONG before I even head up to Seattle. This Life Group is not a temporary thing, it's connecting me to the places and people that I am supposed to meet now and in the future -- I feel it. I said to a friend the other day that the Lord has locked me into a collision course and that there is nothing I can do to stop it at this point. He's already made the edict that certain things will happen in my life. I will go certain places and meet specific people. There is a purpose in all of this.

Some days I get caught up in the planning, the analyzing and the deep thinking. I've got to remember to let it all go. As I've said before, if the Lord has called me out of the boat, then I've got to go. It doesn't matter if it is Seattle for a time or for forever. It doesn't matter if it's planting an Every Nation church in the East Bay or SF Bay. He will work the details out. I try to throw myself in the mix and cast vision -- a time in Seattle where I learn about BIG ministry and become equipped so that I can come back and throw myself back into the Bay Area with my whole heart--but I know that I'm limiting God and that there's something I'm missing here. The pounding in my heart of the nations--where does that fit in?

All I want is You to have Your way.
You are the Potter and I am the clay.

Underground

This morning I had the ultimate pleasure of dealing with sewage in my front room. This happened once before (the first week that we moved into the house), so I knew right away that it was sewer and not just an overflowing toilet, bathtub, etc. (sorry for the TMI). Having had a rough week so far, with a few false starts and a couple of upsets, this was something that I did not desire on my plate (literally) this morning.

I went off to work, communicated with clients all day, dealt with the tire people who wanted me to buy 4 new tires, and the thought of the sewage kept returning to my mind. I called my Step-father who was dealing with it today to get an update on the progress. Apparently, the landlord expected that this could happen again (after it happened in November), and was not at all surprised that my front room and bathroom are 2 inches deep in muck. Trying not to be irritated, I mused about the alleged pipes in the backyard that are cracked and damaged by the tree roots.

For years, those roots have been growing, warping and corroding everything in sight. I did not water those roots, but they found the nourishment they needed. I may not have known about those roots causing problems, but my landlord did! In my life right now, I can point to at least one situation where I have allowed bitterness towards another person to creep in. I am aware of the acerbic feelings, but until now I have not understood just how much damage I am allowing in my life. What is underground DOES matter. If I do not uproot the bitterness and anger, at some unknown future point, I will find that I've allowed pollution and poison into my "front room" (my soul). My landlord said that this could happen every 2 to 4 months (my thought: fix it then!)...bitterness, rage, and unforgiveness, etc. breed other maladies. If I do not uproot this situation in my life, I can likely expect recurring bouts of bitterness and anger in my life. They are all linked together.

Grace so Amazing

His grace covers me, I have to remember this. Today was one of those days when I pray that grace abounded.

Being the person that I am, it is difficult not telling my bosses about my plans and knowing that in a few short days (hopefully) I will do something that will change their immediate worlds for a period of time. This makes me sad. Every day they say something kind or encouraging to me, and I bite my tongue, knowing that in a few short weeks I will be gone.

This afternoon, on my lunch break, I took 2 tests for the company I have been interviewing with. An Excel and a Word test -- amazingly they were pretty difficult, though I finished with time left over and I do not believe I made many if any mistakes. Already distressed at having to take the tests at work, I emailed them to my recruiter and swiftly deleted the files from my work computer. TWO hours later I get an email, I had attached the Excel document twice, and left the Word document out. I quickly retook the test, and sent an email to let them know that I had permanently deleted the original earlier test from my computer. How bad does that look? I'm applying for an administrative position and I couldn't even attach the proper tests? I took the opportunity, however, to be honest and show my integrity.

These things happen. Blunders, mistakes, mishaps...why? God's grace. This happened so that I cannot rely on myself or my abilities. God's grace covers me and it will cover this situation. Thank you, Lord!