You Spin Me Right Round

This subject has come up before in previous blog posts, but due to the extreme-ness of my current emotional state, I shall bring it up again. Emotions. They're so much 'fun,' aren't they? To me they are volatile, untrustworthy and the deepest part of me that I could ever share. You may hear about the happenings and stresses of my life and think that I have shared deeply with you...and it grieves me to have to admit that I reserve that place and share it seldom with even the closest of friends. If by chance something from the depth of my emotions makes it to your hearing, you will probably experience it as a 'fly-by-night' aside. The other day I was talking about my Dad and after sharing some particulars, I casually said 'it's actually really stressful.' Sounds simple enough, right? Saying even just that was a big thing.

Why do I bring this up? I need to be accountable to my emotions, acknowledge them, and not try to slough them off like they are not important.

I never share too much about romance on here, and there are 2 BIG reasons for that: 1) there truly hasn't been anything to share, and 2) you are a nameless, faceless crowd and if I don't tell my closest of friends about how I feel, why would I tell you? It annoys me when I read blogs that are vague messages to the man or woman of interest. Don't write out a sappy Disney-esque (don't get me started) poem that is clearly meant for Alissa and title it 'the one who got away!' I tend to shy away from crap like that because these off-kilter, crazy-making, splinter you into a thousand bitty pieces emotions are not my friends.

God has a good sense of humor. Normally I do, too...except in these cases. God builds my house, I am only on the work force. He is the grand architect and delivers the blueprints. Why is this so hard for me to remember? I see something I think I need, or feel like I need to make something happen or orchestrate something between a person of interest and me...and it's all bad. Trust is required, faith in God, and a belief that He really is good and has a hope and a future for me. I'm not going to pursue a man. Doesn't matter if he's textbook perfect, as well as real-life perfect. It feels out of order. My friends and family do not understand this about me...we always get to this place in every potential relationship and their advice has always been to be bold and 'act out of the ordinary.' If the guy belongs to the Lord, like I do, he will do the right thing. It shouldn't be a struggle and I shouldn't have to make something happen.

Alright people, that was just a little rant fest! Being single is not easy, as all the single people out there will agree. Still, I am trying to honor God on a moment by moment basis with my thoughts and actions and especially (my very short so far) love story.

A Christmas Truth

It's Christmas Day and I am trying to count my blessings instead of dwell on a major case of the blahs. I started journaling and writing my blessings down. My list was not super long, for instance, I did not write out things like: 'there are fresh flowers on my table. I have a kind face.' I went for the REAL zingers, you know, the kind that make you cry when you dwell on them too long?

The last 2 years have been strange...filled with missteps, long searching months, numerous false starts. I had to put Seattle thoughts away indefinitely so that I could live in the present (something I have struggled to do my entire life). I made a few huge changes, namely switched churches, and jumped into getting involved. At first I stuck with the safe stuff - choir. Then I waded into deeper waters and fell in love with International Student Fellowship. Only recently did I seek out community among peers through our church's '20s/30s' group. Being around so many different kinds of people has been a growing experience, usually enjoyable, but often painful. Many days I feel like someone has pulled back my layers and exposed me to the harsh elements...I just want to cover myself back up and hang out in the shadows. God never allows this, and keeps throwing me into relationship, intimacy, and other scary things like vulnerability and openness. My head spins most of the time, and I keep going back to Him to know how I should properly love.

I also made a huge move in my living arrangements-after the agreed upon term of 3 years, I no longer live downstairs from my Mom and stepdad. The time was difficult; I experienced separation from my friends, could not do the things that were in my heart to do like open my home and show hospitality. I regretted that choice from the beginning, but I can happily say that I kept my word and that the Lord showed me grace and helped me to show grace. My relationship with my stepdad was rocky at best and was a source of frustration and persecution at worst. Being away from him has helped us to get along so much better...but I miss my Mom and having noise and voices in the house to keep away the blues.

I almost moved to Oklahoma! I was days away from my decision...the only thing holding me back was ORU's refusal to call me or offer me a job. Every time I visit my best friends there, it's bittersweet. Their friends are storybook quality! Everyone lives 5 minutes from each other. Almost every night is an intimate gathering with talk of ministry, and epic board games. The state seems to focus on family and not on lousy politics or materialism. God just couldn't free me to go...and I wouldn't force the issue and go without provision. It's all for the best.

I also began a quest for personal health in which I focused on clean and wholesome eating and exercise...and I lost 30 pounds. That road has been an interesting one, and I hope it will be lifelong. I don't want to live with limitations or regrets!

The biggest thing, though, is that after 7 years, I finally was honest with God. I have wanted to be a Marriage and Family therapist for years. I think I first realized it around the time my parents were thinking about divorce and I was desperately hoping they would stay together. The way my mind works, the different strengths I possess, all point to counseling. At some point, I put it out of my mind and said that it was something for me to pursue once I myself was married. What married couple would benefit from anything I could provide - a single woman? I tried everything to get around my real passion, even considered getting a School Counseling degree with a MFT on the side. Finally, a best friend asked me to be honest and admit what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, not the safe bet, or the easy choice, or the smart move. I tearfully said that I wanted to be a 'marriage counselor.' It doesn't matter if I'm married. I hope I do get married, but if I do not, I still have a gift to use to serve God's people. As soon as I admitted this, I experienced actual movement in my spiritual and emotional life! I had been in a holding pattern since I graduated from ORU in 2004!

I am enrolled in the Spring semester at Western Seminary...and the road ahead is long and maybe lonely. I will have to face all of my ugly emotions and then some. I will dig deeply into reserves of stamina and strength that I do not even know exist yet. I will likely have hurt feelings, experience alienation, see people around me go through major life events and not have the time to enjoy or be fully present for many of them. In short, I am terrified.

A long post, I know, but there is so much that I left unsaid. This blog is going to be about this journey...and it has already begun. Here's my short, yet awe-inspiring (for me) list:
1. My immediate family all live less than an hour away from me.
2. I have not just 1, but 2 best friends!
3. I am privileged to know and be known by a group of women that sharpen the iron in my life.
4. I am a part of a living church that is growing and changing the world!
5. I am watching my 2 nephews grow up, and at this point, I still am allowed to share Jesus with them.
6. I have a roof over my head and a soft mattress to sleep on.
7. I have more than enough food, and I can share my meals with others!
8. I am embarking on an adventure I like to call Seminary.
9. I am able to work hard.
10. I feel and love deeply.
11. I have countless memories of amazing people and places.
12. I have hope for an amazing future.
13. I have a relationship with the living God!

And I think those blahs are gone now.