Eyes open

After nearly 29 years on this earth, I feel like I have really missed a few things. Do you ever feel like your eyes have been closed for so long, that you are not even sure that you will recognize the sky when you finally see it again? I have tried to keep my mouth shut for the past few months -- to allow my heart and my thoughts time to sink in and grow deep roots before sharing anything with others. My heart has been heavy for so long, my understanding so limited...but God has been breaking through to me!

He has to unteach me, to break me, to suture me back up with a brand-new heart. A heart of flesh, sensitive to the life and death around me. My pastors and the Christian leaders in my life have always preached that a person should begin to reflect, look and act like Christ once they are saved. They have held up shining examples for us to emulate; bright-smiling, calm, busy, modestly dressed people (let's face it...these nameless people look like me). A good Christian should be industrious, pay their bills, tithe, teach Sunday school, save sex before marriage, dress in clothes that don't stand out in one way or another, marry a godly man/woman, raise well-behaved children, and then spend the rest of their days supporting the church and once in a while mentoring a younger Christian to follow their example. This is what I have thought Christianity looked like. Once in a while, I figured you might find a Christian who didn't fit that first mold, who would perhaps go to a far-off country like Uganda, but apart from some of his or her everyday activities, their Christian lives would look the same as mine. An alarm buzzer has gone off in my head signifying that I have it all wrong. God is not interested in this stuff. All of it is good...and  none of it really matters (do not misunderstand me, I am not saying that you should not tithe or that you should have sex before marriage...totally NOT what I am saying). These are not the things that He wants me to be spending my days and my nights trying to achieve.

Since about the time that I decided to move to Seattle, certain themes keep recurring in my life. He is REALLY trying to get my attention. The question keeps coming up, what would Jesus look like today? His hair, skin color, eye color, height and build -- not important. I mean, what would He be doing? Where would He stay? How would He talk? Who would He hang with? Let me tell you. He loves the broken-hearted...the outcasts. He'd be kicking it down by the jail in downtown Oakland...having a burrito with the prostitutes down at Mexicali Rose. He would see the tears hiding behind their heavily painted faces and tell them that there is a man that loves them as their fathers never could. He would be walking with his friends in the streets of the flatlands, telling them that there is a better way. That there is a salve for their wounded souls. He would be opening eyes that have long been blinded to life and love. He would be raising the dead all over the cities -- those that have given their lives over unto darkness and death, to the roller coaster of drugs and witchcraft. He would dare to walk in the places that cause me to check and see if my car doors are locked. He would dare to stop and talk to and touch the people that I have been taught to be mistrustful of and cautious around.

No matter where I turn, the theme of Jesus in modern times keeps chasing me. I watched an old rerun of My So-Called Life on hulu. Before I knew what hit me, I was weeping at the reality of homelessness among America's youth: the fear, pain and confusion that they feel, the longing to be loved wholly and completely. How one small move in the wrong direction can change your life. I walk into work only to talk to one of my bosses about the orphans in Vietnam. His eyes welled up with tears as he recalled that the children were all dying of Aids and other terminal illnesses, and how he held them in his arms and gave them small gifts that American children would normally take for granted. Just yesterday he told me that losing me at the job will suck, but he understands that the Big Boss may be calling me away, and he rejoices in this. Earlier this month, the book by World Vision president, A Hole In Our Gospel arrived at my work, the envelope addressed to me. I began to read it and I wept as I got to the part about the Ugandan Child Soldiers. My heart still feels as though it will break into a million tiny pieces. How do these children, these beautiful young creations survive these atrocities? How do they forgive and heal? They do!! My God astounds me.

Every single Sunday morning I struggle through the service.There are so many things that go through my mind. Each minute I spend in the pew makes me feel lethargic. As soon as the service is over, I must seem like the biggest introvert that there is (which is SO not true), because I jet out as soon as the last note on guitar plays. The thing is, I feel like we are just hearers of the Word, and not doers

Jesus said it best:
"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."
~Isaiah 61:1, 2 & Luke 4:18,19