If just for tonight...let's get lost

I knew the day would eventually come.  Teachers, graduates, and fellow students have been telling me that I would start to feel the spin cycle and the deconstruction of seminary and the Marriage and Family Therapy program. Part of me knew that they were telling me the truth, and the other part (the stupid/naive part?) thought that maybe I could coast through. Nope.

Tuesday's class talked about addiction.  My own history with an alcohol and drug addicted family member has tied me into knots around my drinking and anyone else's drinking. The men and women that I love the most and want to get the closest to, I inundate with my own obsessions and fears. Sometimes I feel like a cripple in this area. Thank GOD I get to work on my own crap so that I can one day help others with their own.

Saturday really did a number on me...I felt/feel so overwhelmed, inadequate, rough, starry-eyed and infantile in my place right now. We watched a video of a woman getting counseling for her perfectionism and care for everyone else but herself. I started feeling the room get stuffy and close in on me. Isn't that what I've been doing? Competing against myself...never taking myself off the hook or giving myself any slack or breathing room. This summer was wonderful, I socialized, relaxed, and reconnected with God. However, now with the semester starting up, I am right back to my old ways. After class on Saturday, with all of these emotions bubbling up inside of me, I just wanted to skip town for a little while, leave everything behind if just for a night.

Yeah, everything was still waiting for me when I got back from my "purposelessness"exercise, but my mind and heart were in a better place. Sabbath - sometimes we need to rest and lay our burdens down.  Was I escaping? Perhaps. But I always intended to come right back to pick up where I left everything, to let God sort it and me out. But just for that night, I wanted, needed...to simply get lost in the night air, the swirling stars, and the dark melodies.